same old song and dance

So I debated what to post. HOW to post it AGAIN. I still don't know how because I am so pissed off beyond rational thinking. I wrote out two pages of my thoughts and don't really want to post them because it is all feelings and ranting. But, here it is in a nut shell. The day one of my best friends was killed, I found out I was possibly pregnant. The line was so faint that I waited to take another test the next week. So last Wednesday, I took another test and it was positive.. My fertility doctor took me in that same day and did blood work. MY HCG numbers were 16.5 and I had to go back on Friday to see where my numbers were. They were at 19. The HCG numbers should have doubled. They didn't and this means I will miscarry again.

Officially, I am still pregnant. Still nauseated. But so very pissed off because I am just waiting on my body to reject our 4th pregnancy. And why am I just so pissed off? BECAUSE it is #4!! I am supposed to be FIXED and I am very obviously not fixed. Because I have waisted yet another year plus a few months with a doctor I have seen twice in person and have had nothing but care from his nurses since then. I have spent money and don't have any answers. I fired him. More because his nurse called me once and really hurt my feelings because I was told that I was being transferred to a specialist in another state because "there is no more tests we can do for you" and I felt rejected by someone who hasn't done a damn thing for me in the first place. HOW DARE HE?! I didn't get a chance to FIRE HIM FIRST! LOL! Anyway, I am just in a very angry place with that Doctor. Then the cold hearted nurse called me back today and just made everything WORSE when she was trying to make it better. I was so angry that I cried when I hung up. I do NOT like to get that angry to the point that I cry. Stupid nurse needs some damn bedside manners. JUST SAYING!

SO, that's it really. I don't even know the name of the place I am being sent to but I have an idea and I like what I read on their website. We'll see. I am so skeptical but do you blame me???

2 weeks ago I interviewed for the best job and I am still waiting for an answer. I did get a phone call from the HR department on Friday and they said it was still available and that they were still working out some administrative issues. LORD I PRAY they get it worked out quickly. I am running out of time at my temporary part time job. I need some good news, bad....I hope this is it!

Right now, our feelings are that we are going to have more testing done and go from there. However, right now I also just want to take a break. A few months of not trying and just having some "fun" might be good for us both.