kids

I love them. I really do. My only 2 little girls in my class are twin girls and I love them to pieces. Honestly, they are so loving. They see me when they are coming from their 3 year old room to my room in the afternoons and they just beam with a big smile and wave and scream my name. Then come the hugs. And the "I love you"s...it melts my heart. There are 2 boys that are the same way. They crack me up with their ways. They want to have a "conversation" with me. One boy tells me about the cow that died and he helped his Dad drag it off. He is hilarious!! The other tells me about trick or treating at church this weekend. They are just so CUTE! Makes my ovaries hurt, I tell ya!!

Today, we had to "break the news" that I won't be their teacher after this week. Mrs. S is coming to be with them everyday. My 2 little girls hugged me tight and said "but why? we want you!" and I explain they will still see me every day at play time(they all play together in the afternoons, 3s and 4s)... I get the "I love you, please stay" and I want to cry. HAH! Attached much? Mrs. S reiterates that I will be around. They still don't want her. LOL! Poor Mrs. S.

I actually would be totally out of a job as of this Friday because the lady I replaced has come back from her medical leave and wants to be full time again. BUT, she knows I am *fingers crossed* waiting to hear back from "the job" and didn't want me to be kicked to the curb. Plus another lady decided she was only going to work mornings. This all opened up time for me to still work there for a few more weeks. In all the changing around, I get shifted to another class :( I know the kids in the other class and it will be ok but I will miss my class I have now. They are all so good and we have a routine. I am thankful, nonetheless! There are some very nice ladies there that are being super kind to me. God has provided when I was sure to be drowning if I was cut loose this Friday!!

When I do leave, I think I will shed a tear or two. I knew when I went there that it was all temporary but little did I know that I would get so attached to some of the kids! I took the job for many reasons....one main reason was a test of my patience and a test to see if I *really* wanted children or not....I do, we do. It's a must. I could have a house full and never stop smiling. I've learned a lot about myself in the past couple of months and the teachers were the 3 and 4 year olds.

same old song and dance

So I debated what to post. HOW to post it AGAIN. I still don't know how because I am so pissed off beyond rational thinking. I wrote out two pages of my thoughts and don't really want to post them because it is all feelings and ranting. But, here it is in a nut shell. The day one of my best friends was killed, I found out I was possibly pregnant. The line was so faint that I waited to take another test the next week. So last Wednesday, I took another test and it was positive.. My fertility doctor took me in that same day and did blood work. MY HCG numbers were 16.5 and I had to go back on Friday to see where my numbers were. They were at 19. The HCG numbers should have doubled. They didn't and this means I will miscarry again.

Officially, I am still pregnant. Still nauseated. But so very pissed off because I am just waiting on my body to reject our 4th pregnancy. And why am I just so pissed off? BECAUSE it is #4!! I am supposed to be FIXED and I am very obviously not fixed. Because I have waisted yet another year plus a few months with a doctor I have seen twice in person and have had nothing but care from his nurses since then. I have spent money and don't have any answers. I fired him. More because his nurse called me once and really hurt my feelings because I was told that I was being transferred to a specialist in another state because "there is no more tests we can do for you" and I felt rejected by someone who hasn't done a damn thing for me in the first place. HOW DARE HE?! I didn't get a chance to FIRE HIM FIRST! LOL! Anyway, I am just in a very angry place with that Doctor. Then the cold hearted nurse called me back today and just made everything WORSE when she was trying to make it better. I was so angry that I cried when I hung up. I do NOT like to get that angry to the point that I cry. Stupid nurse needs some damn bedside manners. JUST SAYING!

SO, that's it really. I don't even know the name of the place I am being sent to but I have an idea and I like what I read on their website. We'll see. I am so skeptical but do you blame me???

2 weeks ago I interviewed for the best job and I am still waiting for an answer. I did get a phone call from the HR department on Friday and they said it was still available and that they were still working out some administrative issues. LORD I PRAY they get it worked out quickly. I am running out of time at my temporary part time job. I need some good news, bad....I hope this is it!

Right now, our feelings are that we are going to have more testing done and go from there. However, right now I also just want to take a break. A few months of not trying and just having some "fun" might be good for us both.